ask yourself if you are happy and you will cease to be so

Rain makes me want to sleep and never wake up.

beyonce's elle cover made my year

After an awful week, Beyonce on the cover of elle made me want to curl up with it in my arms and die a peaceful death. I don't think I could be more obsessed.

Okay, so because we know that I'm going to have to talk about this, let's get it out of the way. I'm referring to The Apprentice, of course. Hello, like I do anything but work and watch tv. And work some more. And buy jeans. And work some more.

Anyway, why Donald? Why? I hate you and your smirking assistants who obviously just get paid to lick your ass and agree with you on national television. They must love the fifteen week period that the show takes up. It's like a vacation for them. Anyway, my real beef is not with them. Oh no, Donald. It's you. And reality show producers. And the black girls who continue to get bitten by the reality tv bug.

Listen to me and listen good: Black girls and reality television programs are like oil and water. We are not meant to be on national television showing our asses and getting loud and opinionated. Because the shows will get cut in such a way that will paint all black women as crazy. As loose cannons, if you will. Did you not learn from Coral, Omarosa and the one black girl on road rules who got into an actual physical fight with Diego because he called her a bitch like fifty-eleven times and then got sent home with everyone on the cast and in the world thinking that she was insane? Black women, we are a volatile people. We do not sit idly by while people fuck with us and our emotions, and I'm not saying that this is a bad thing. More power to us. We're allowed to express ourselves. But don't you know that editors will have a field day with our outbursts because it makes for terrific entertainment? Sisters, stay away from reality tv. It is not our friend. Why do we need to be televised when a girl pours beer in our weave? See what I'm saying? Producers love this shit. And now I can never get a real job because some dude will be like "She's way qualified but what if she gets all Stacy J. on us?"

And now that I hate all of the remaining women on the show, especially Ivana and the other Stacy, I'm rooting for Mosaic. Good lord, I am too involved.

Wow, there were real things going on in my life completely unrelated to tv. And there were entertaining things going on in my life like the guy who told me that he loved me last night at a club while I was dancing with him. And why are people still wearing poom poom shorts* when they go out? I mean whatever, they should never be worn outside of the house like ever, I don't care what your legs look like. But it is not that nice out anymore. Put some clothes on, girls.

*poom poom shorts: shorts that look like panties; hot pants

i'm too random for this song

You know why I love High Fidelity? Not only is John Cusack like one of my favorite human beings that I've never met, and not only is Lisa Bonet so damned cute in it (how could that ever be a sentence?), but like, Rob is so obsessive. To the point where I can seek comfort in his obsessions and embrace them because I get that way. Like the standing in the rain directly outside of Ian's apartment while calling her? Love it. This is me. If I didn't have a chemical aversion to rain. And a payphone phobia.

So we love Scrubs, right? Zach Braff? Adorable. Sarah Chalke? I want to make babies with her. Guy from Clueless? Still so great I could scream. The occasional guest appearance from Ryan Reynolds. But what is with this rash of girls who aren't funny being on the show? Tara Reid and her poor comedic timing. Or her non-existent comedic timing, rather. Heather Graham who I hate beyond any kind of reason. If there is some sort of Bad Actress Outreach Program that I'm not aware of, I need someone to help me find it because I could sure use the money.

Oh and ps, between Britney Spears covering Bobby Brown, Jessica Simpson's never changing hair and the golden monstrosity that Beyonce had on her head at the VMA's (a.k.a. Beyonce's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Hair Day), I may never watch tv at the gym again. I might actually lose a pound now that I'm not paying attention to I Love the 90's and wishing death on Hal Sparks.

i'll never let go jack

I am obviously on some sort of airborn crack because somehow I've managed to let two posts get eaten. I disappeared my own drafts. Thrilling, really.

So I've noticed that I have schizophrenic tastes that allow me to hate things with a vicious passion for months/years/whatever and then I wake up and it's like boom! ohmygod all of a sudden I love Avril Lavigne. American Idol. Newlyweds. Beyonce. This week? The Apprentice. I am officially addicted. There has to be some sort of peer counseling or support group for this sort of obsession. First of all, I like to tell myself that I am like so over the whole reality tv thing and I have been since anyone cared about who Darva Conger was. But then there's always something to suck me in. For instance, the Stacy J. - Ivana drama. What was that? I know they were not trying to get Stacy fired. And this isn't just some brown girl solidarity although it may be just a little. But for real, she's a lot more competent than they give her credit for. Ivana, however, is not. And why is that whenever they get a brown girl on reality tv she's crazy? The girl made a phone call to a temp agency and all of a sudden she's a loose cannon? People, get a grip. I need to see some Omarosa style losing it before they can call Stacy J. a loose cannon, okay. And Bradford, you poor, simple bastard. I just want to pet him because I kind of loved him just a little bit.

Titanic was on and I've forgotten why I ever cried watching it the first nine times. Maybe it loses some of the feeling when it cuts to commercial breaks right as the suspense has built to a point. Or maybe I've already heard the Celine Dion song as many times as I can manage before my head implodes. Whatever. I hate this movie now. If I want to watch Kate Winslet in a movie co-starring her breasts, I could watch - I guess I could watch anything else that she's ever been in. Leonardo DiCaprio doesn't ever change. I'm convinced that he's been getting Botox treatments since Growing Pains. Show me that smile again. Oh, your facial muscles are numb.

In other news, I fell in like with a boy who drinks yerba mate from his own mug in coffee shops. If he would just hurry up and fall in love with me, we could get cracking on the mate infused baby making. I want to stalk him Alicia Keys style and hope he doesn't get scurred when I just call him out of the blue with my backup singers in the background. Yes, I said scurred.

just a quick note to my fellow new england females:

Nelly was not talking to us when he told ladies to drop down and get their eagle on.

I just watched Igby Goes Down for the first time and never the last. I love it. I must own it so I can drown in depression over and over again. Kieran Culkin is saving himself for me which is almost kind of gross because I love him the way that girls love Clay Aiken. Let's talk about this; Clay is not hot. If he didn't almost win American Idol and gain all kinds of unwarranted exposure, you would not look at him twice if you passed him on the street. Maybe you would, if only to turn to your best friend and say "Wow, he bears an uncanny resemblance to the clown from It." People I do not lie. You know he does so stop pretending he makes you feel funny down there because you know he does no such thing. Anyway. I love Kieran Culkin and we're going to make creepy looking babies. Don't hate.

I think I had a million things to say here but they've vanished. I officially lose.