tales of my youth

I have a phobia of water. I realize that this is a pretty bold statement considering that one needs water to lead a generally healthy lifestyle (read: shower). Saying this out loud usually makes people uncomfortable which I'm okay with. Anyway, I had an abnormally difficult time showering until I was something like 15. I would sit in a bath which is gross because I don't get the idea of stewing comfortably in your own filth, but whatever to each his own. I also felt like I would somehow drown. Or I would run the water and use a bucket or a cup to rinse off like I was washing a dog or something. I asked my mother about it and she was all, "You were always like that. I'd try to give you a bath and you would scream and scream. I thought you were just nasty." Okay. A few weeks later, the truth comes out; it turns out, when I was a few months old, my mom was giving me a bath and I slipped out of her hands into a sinkful of water and I almost drowned. Mystery solved. Ever since then, I would freak when she tried to bathe me and now, years later, I don't know how to swim and I can't shower like a normal person.

One when my sister, brother and I were just kids, my father took us out for lunch at some completely random Chinese place in a pretty crappy neighborhood. After we ordered and got our food to go, my father turned to my sister and I and said, "Stay right there. Don't move." Okay, being pretty well-disciplined girls, we knew that if we got up for whatever reason, there was a pretty good chance for an ass-whoopin', so we stayed put. And watched as my father took my brother's hand and silently left the store. I don't know where they went. Around the block maybe? To another store? I don't know. But after a few minutes, my sister and I realized that my father had for real just left us there alone and we didn't know where he was or where we were. I think I was like 5. So we started crying, still not getting up because he had told us not to. Ten minutes later, they show up all laughs because he was just playing a trick on us! and oh my god, isn't that just hilarious? No dad, it isn't. He was so proud of us for listening and not getting up to follow him. I know that all the world isn't exactly the ghetto that people make it out to be, but we were pretty tiny and this was Brooklyn. Couldn't we have played this game in Vermont?

My parents are both insane. That's the moral of the story, I think.

I'm in an adult spelling bee for charity today. It's not as naughty as it initially sounds, but it is definitely as geeky as it eventually sounds.