hopeless romantics need not apply

When I meet someone, I get this urge to document it here because it seems so much more important somehow. And I guess because I want other people to know about it since my friends don't have much invested in the romantic satisfaction of others. I don't really blame them. My best friend has this way of attracting men who really aren't worth anything at all. I have two friends who decide that there is no relationship on the earth that is more beautiful than the ones that they share with their current boyfriends even if one is dating an unemployed alcoholic and the other is dating her employee in secrecy. The rest of my friends are bitter and way too vocal about it and my brother just went back to his ex-wife who once tried to have him thrown in jail for child support that he had been paying faithfully. My roommate is dating a girl who desperately wants to break her heart and my other roommate has this thing against relationships that last longer than it takes to throw the condom away. Basically, our love lives are all for shit even though some of us don't want to admit it.

I would so love to be the only realist in the group and I often pretend to be, but let's face it; we all know that I firmly believe that there is a minuscule percentage of people left in this world that are worth loving and my chances of finding one of them are slim. I probably don't fall anywhere near that percentage, by the way.
My point was supposed to be that no one cares when I meet a boy who gives me the butterfly tummy thing because it happens like, once a month or something like that and it always amounts to a whole lot of "what the hell is wrong with me" and then a whole lot more of nothing at all.

I think a part of my problem is that I don't actually want a relationship with anyone, really. I just want to get that feeling over and over again. I want to see someone and feel my heart pounding all the way down to my toes because there is so much potential for something big, something great and the newness is still there. There are still a million small elements of surprise and I get to come home dreaming about what the first kiss will be like and what his hands will feel like. And when his fingers press against my lower back or he leans close to whisper something into my ear, my nerves go into overdrive. I guess some people get lucky, and the new never wears off for them. Or more likely, they don't necessarily need the everlasting honeymoon period because they like that comfort zone that I say that I want, but really I don't because in reality, it's actually not all that comfortable for me.

So now I flit, and trust me, I've always wanted to use that word in a sentence. I discover a person, I decide that they are the best thing since warm, mozzarella-garlic bread and I let myself feel those things. Then I realize that the kisses don't enchant me and I realize that he is just a person after all and I give up on trying to be anything special for him because he is nothing special for me. Maybe he senses my disinterest before I do and then I get left behind for a shiny, new model. Or maybe I'm flattering myself and he just wakes up and is like, "Wow that was fun but okay I'm done here." And then I'm sitting here trying to figure out what the hell happened and I try to figure out why my heart hurts when I didn't even want to be in a relationship in the first place. My solution so far has been to only sleep with guys who have girlfriends because I mean, that's always exciting and I never have to worry about letting him sleep here or commitment or anything like that. But I guess this makes me a horrible, horrible person so I need a new solution and I am not actually open to suggestions, just so you know. I'm just trying to find a nook to hang out in between One Night Stand Land and Serious Relationship Island because I am not doing so hot over here in Casual Dating Hell.

This was too long. I just wanted to say that I met a guy. And he definitely gives me the butterfly tummy thing.